Breaking news: Kato says no to presidential bid but leaves door open

Transcript from press conference held earlier today

Reporter 1: Kato, are you running for president?

Kato: I'm honored to have received requests from hundreds of thousands of my fellow Americans to run for this nation's highest office, but after consulting with my family, my God and my masseuse Juan and after many hours of intense meditation, reflection and inebriation, I have decided that I will not be pursuing the office of President of the United States in 2012.

Reporter 2: Is there a chance you will still get into the 2012 race?

Kato: No. There is no chance.

Reporter 3: Under what circumstances would you run for president in the near future?

Kato: Under no circumstances. I won't be running.

Reporter 4: Kato, are you still weighing a presidential bid?

Kato: No. I'm not. Have you been paying attention?

Reporter 5: Republicans voters have expressed interest in having another candidate enter the GOP field. Are you that candidate?

Kato: Is this mic on? Testing, testing, tap, tap.

Reporter 6: What would it take to get you to enter the presidential contest?

Kato: I don't know, a threat? A gun to my head? Since I've decided not to do it, I don't know what it would take to make me do it, dipshit.

Reporter 7: Do you think the use of language like "dipshit" will hurt you in your upcoming presidential bid?

Kato: Did you guys all burn one before I got here? Seriously, are you fucking stoned? Roll me one out of your bag.

Reporter 8: Kato, who is on your short list for running mates?

Kato: I wasn't playing. Roll me one out of your bag. Now.

Reporter 9: Do you think your paleness and stiffness will be a problem with GOP presidential primary voters?

Kato: It isn't a newsflash to me that I'm a statue. Seven, don't make a pinner either.

Reporter 10: What will be your agenda for your first 100 days in office?

Kato: Really? Psssssha. (holding smoke) You guys are a mess.

Tuesday Editorial Comment

You guys are a mess.