Love wins

Updates

In a previous story, Clark County columnist Debbie Harbeson was described as a reputed smart-ass. Our news team has been out scouring the countryside for additional evidence of this, and we're now confident in saying Harbeson is a confirmed smart-ass. Check out the proof here.

There was also a previous post about some nutbag out there on the Internet grossly insulting this blog by trying to link it to a (shudder) politician. We're pleased to report two things: first, the attention, though negative, has again increased our page views. We've also heard from the candidate and learned she has received several communications of support and expressions of distaste for dirty tactics since this whack job started spreading these ugly rumors. Status of this story: the crazy hag has been ineffective in smearing both this blog and the aspiring pol, and, in fact, the tactic has backfired.

You just can't fool karma.

Anyone know a good attorney?

It's come to our attention that a morally and intellectually challenged individual is out there claiming this blog, this bastion of journalism, humor and hot dudes, is really written by a Republican politician. How offensive! How rude!

We'll have the PayPal button up soon in order to accept contributions for our legal fund.

Breaking: Boycott declared on GCF!

The Commentaries' cell phones have been blowing up with speculation about the identity of the whorin' pol Synonymous II has been dropping hints about for more than two days on Goliath's forum. While we appreciate the faith in our sleuthing abilities and status of being in the loop, truth is we're too busy newsgathering and partying to watch Friday night TV.

After the ugly truth was discovered, that all this suspense was over a television show, we received the following text:

"Bullshit! I am boycotting until after the election," said this source who further described herself as one who works, "for a prominent politician and WISH I had time for an affair! Who has time for that shit?"

We at The Commentaries are always on the side of the consumers, even when said consumers are consuming shit for free. Therefore, we join with our ripped-off sister in calling for a pre-election boycott of GCF.

We are the 99% The 99% who think Syn is a dick.

Synonymous II

Kick her ass, Mary!

Monday Mega-Edition Vol. XXX

Breaking photo spread exclusive!
MIA HT spotted canoodling with Chatter Chicks!
Jeff City Council candidate is almost like Mike!


But first this musical interlude

And...

Monday Shop Talk with Dave Hampe

We are constantly crunching the vast amount of data that flow into our newsroom, particularly traffic sources. There's been an upswing of page views in the past few weeks, but it is in no way related to any content of a local nature. Rather, it turns out that having things like this:

is great for page views. That is because hot+construction+worker is a rather popular search. It made the top three this week.


HT spotted at local social hotspot







and he's not alone!

It was a little drafty.

Alan and Mike got their backs.

Chopper presents HT to the queen as Jack Kennedy looks on.

"That shoulder seemed a little tense," said whatsherface.

CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE proves she is JUST LIKE MIKE!







...As in









 Michael Jordan!

Mike does a better job keeping a straight face.

Very important to note the feet in this picture are cut off. Candidate really had her feet positioned perfectly like Mike's according to our reporter.

Now give me some candy!

Peace be with you

Breaking: World Lipstick Market Crashes

Lipstick sales plunge on question of legal risks

PARIS -- World cosmetic markets were rattled as news of an increased risk of indictment from use of the product surfaced earlier this week.

Jeffersonville Mayor Tom Galligan of the United States explained in an interview on Thursday that grand juries indict people because of the color of their lipstick. Panic quickly spread with several cities reporting lipstick and other cosmetics being dumped in rivers and streams. Several small communities in the UK held lipstick burnings to prevent their citizens from being charged with voter fraud.

The impact on lipstick sales was profound and immediate as the legal risk news made its way across the globe Thursday night.

Galligan was defensive about his impact on cosmetic sales in a Friday interview.

"Those cosmetic companies in Europe have an agenda. Those sales figures are political. Every time there's an election, you're going to have people making these claims that I caused a world market to crash," Galligan said.

"It's like farting in an elevator, a good way to warm things up and get people to stop wearing so much damn lipstick," said Clark County, In, USA Democratic Chair Rod Pate.

"That's why I don't wear lipstick. I'm afraid I'll get indicted," said Clark County columnist and reputed smart-ass Debbie Harbeson in a Facebook post.

"Attempting to hold Tom Galligan responsible for his words is hogwash and the most silliest thing I've every heard," said Galligan operative Matt Chill.

In a speech Friday morning, US President Barack Obama tried to quell the rising economic and legal fears.

"Listen. I understand people are hurting. Michelle and I are hurting. She likes wearing makeup, but as the First Family, we understand that we just can't take the risk of being charged with forgery and voter fraud. America was built by people just like you, people who were convinced wearing lipstick and manipulating absentee ballots were the same thing. They understood that prosecutors and grand juries charge people and have them arrested for poor color choices every day. Second-class city mayors say stupid things all the time. Can we, like those brave men and women that came before us, survive this? What? I can't hear you! Yes, we can!," Obama said.

World leaders will meet over the weekend to discuss the economic fallout of these developments.

Breaking: CCC breaks the baker's dozen

Jeffersonville Mayor Tom Galligan who had previously been quoted as dismissing the CCC as a site, "only twelve people," read, has decided to begin advertising his mayoral campaign on the local forum.

Has Galligan recognized the immense reach of the CCC and realized citizens engaged on the site are likely voters?

Does he have so much campaign money contributed by those hoping to do business with the city that he doesn't know what to do with it all?

Has he gotten truly desperate now that his right-hand man is under indictment?

Has the mayor, after struggling with his weight for years, decided to take up the crack pipe as a way to reduce and suddenly thinks advertising to an audience of twelve is a good media buy?

Answers to these questions and more




































will not be forthcoming.

Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah Boo Boo!

That's all. Just had to get it out. Carry on.

Hoosier Taxpayer missing again

An international bad guy dead. Again.

Coincidence?






Probably.


But I did run across a cartoon that made me think of the BatDude

And got a real surprise when I tried to find a video for this post.

Who knew?


Then there's this, which has absolutely nothing to do with HT.

Dude isn't all that hot, but I so admire the presumably female brain that thought to grab the camera. I'm a strong advocate of reverse sexual harassment.

The comments on YouTube are pretty good, too.

I can do what I want

I don't have to do a Monday mega edition if I don't feel like it. That Monday spike in anticipatory page views has no power over me. My blog. I'll do what I want.

Cowboy picture of the week? I don't wanna.

Happy Sunday

Might be better just to listen. The video doesn't match up with the lyrics and ends up distracting from an otherwise beautiful rendition.

Peace

Saturated Saturday

I'll be showing off my Fat Joe moves at Harvest.

If anyone would like to join me, I'll be hanging around the Floyd Co. Democrats booth but buying my drinks from Sertoma and making a signficant donation to the Floyd Co. Animal Shelter since I hear such good things about them.

calling all chatter chicks, batdudes, heroes, misfits, beefcakes and cool girls!

You. Must. Go. Here

My heroes

When this blog started, I admitted my blogging heroes were HoosierTaxpayer and Cindiloohoo.

If you haven't checked out the BatBlog, or the CrazyNeighborLady lately, you really should.

We're so embarassed

A recent post here was intended to be the disclaimer to end all disclaimers. Our dumb asses forgot to point out the obvious.

Joke you if you can't take a fuck.

Thank you for your understanding in this grave oversight.

peace

Disclaimer to end all disclaimers

Wednesday Shop Talk by Dave Hampe

Here is a shout out to all the cognitively challenged individuals out there who just can't wrap their little brains around this shit. Never let it be said we don't try to help the special people among us.

Kato isn't real. The fact statues can't talk really should've been a hint.

Just because Fifi Picard or Molly Broom or, God love her, Louisa Black says something, doesn't mean Kato agrees or that the primary author of this blog agrees. Recklessly attributing comments made here (or elsewhere online) to people in the real world is highly fucked up and uncool.

This blog is not the official site for any person or group. No one in their right mind would publicly associate with this blog.

We have some Facebook friends and followers clearly not in their right mind. We love them anyway.

Trying to insult a blog or blogger that has the word "fuck" right there at the top of the blog by saying it is filthy or that they curse isn't a really effective insult. It's more of a, "no shit, Sherlock," situation.

No decent person really gives a fuck what a racist says or thinks.

Kato wasn't at a recent city council meeting. Fifi's mommy was.

Why the hell are you reading this again? Is it for the poor writing? The curse words? The bad videos?

Please look up the following words: fiction, product, persona.

If you still think there is some accusation of being dirty or offensive that is going to get under the skin of those associated with the Commentaries, please reference the wonderful family show South Park. That's pretty much the standard for decency around here. Dirty is ok. Hatin' is ok. It all just has to be funny and deserved.

Funny and deserved are subjective concepts. We don't give a shit if you disagree about whether something in particular meets the criteria.

There are one or two readers who have stated they don't share the same language used here, but they've been wise enough to get that this is a product and/or that the writer(s) may just be coming from a different place than them generationally or artistically.

We like wise people.

Kids, nothing shown here should be tried at home.

Restrictions may apply. Interest rates may vary. Results are atypical. Endorsers are poorly paid actors.

NO MONEY is made from this blog. It is NOT being written from Belize.

For entertainment purposes only.

Please remain at least five feet away from the strippers. Excuse our mess. Bless our home.

For further understanding of these points, please click here. Additional disclaimer: link goes to a raunchy South Park clip with a moral.

The word "creative" strongly implies something is being created. That means it's being made up.

The use of terms like "creative" and "artistic" should not be contrued to mean we think we're great artists.

Art is subjective.

We do not think we're as awesome as South Park. Or Tosh. Or Hemingway. Or NSBHM.

We do kick Goliath's butt all day long though.

Breaking news: Kato says no to presidential bid but leaves door open

Transcript from press conference held earlier today

Reporter 1: Kato, are you running for president?

Kato: I'm honored to have received requests from hundreds of thousands of my fellow Americans to run for this nation's highest office, but after consulting with my family, my God and my masseuse Juan and after many hours of intense meditation, reflection and inebriation, I have decided that I will not be pursuing the office of President of the United States in 2012.

Reporter 2: Is there a chance you will still get into the 2012 race?

Kato: No. There is no chance.

Reporter 3: Under what circumstances would you run for president in the near future?

Kato: Under no circumstances. I won't be running.

Reporter 4: Kato, are you still weighing a presidential bid?

Kato: No. I'm not. Have you been paying attention?

Reporter 5: Republicans voters have expressed interest in having another candidate enter the GOP field. Are you that candidate?

Kato: Is this mic on? Testing, testing, tap, tap.

Reporter 6: What would it take to get you to enter the presidential contest?

Kato: I don't know, a threat? A gun to my head? Since I've decided not to do it, I don't know what it would take to make me do it, dipshit.

Reporter 7: Do you think the use of language like "dipshit" will hurt you in your upcoming presidential bid?

Kato: Did you guys all burn one before I got here? Seriously, are you fucking stoned? Roll me one out of your bag.

Reporter 8: Kato, who is on your short list for running mates?

Kato: I wasn't playing. Roll me one out of your bag. Now.

Reporter 9: Do you think your paleness and stiffness will be a problem with GOP presidential primary voters?

Kato: It isn't a newsflash to me that I'm a statue. Seven, don't make a pinner either.

Reporter 10: What will be your agenda for your first 100 days in office?

Kato: Really? Psssssha. (holding smoke) You guys are a mess.

Tuesday Editorial Comment

You guys are a mess.

Oh, yeah, baby. It's Monday!

Hells Yeah!!!

Posted with kind thoughts going out to River Girl, Champagne, mole, Penny, et. al.

Monday plea for help contributed by Fifi Picard

Please pardon my French, but someone get me the fuck out of here! I didn't do anything to deserve this. So maybe I wandered over to stick my ass in the neighbor dogboy's face. I'm a bitch in heat. It's to be expected. His overprotective mom didn't have to call the law on me. The hag. He'll be a bitch too if she keeps treating him like that.

Now I'm in the pen, literally. Some nice ladies tried to come back and see me earlier, but the mean men wouldn't let them back here. Said they're troublemakers. Personally, I think the assholes who came back here and blasted me with cold water are the troublemakers. Laughed about it and said, "they want the cages clean, we'll get 'em clean alright." I hope mommy hurries up and springs me from here. I promise I'll be good.

This place sucks. Reminds me of the bad place for dogs my mommy was reading about on the computer. She was hopping mad. Said some asshole political hacks were claiming some nice ladies who wanted the dog place to be better were just political hacks. She said someone oughta neuter some bastards. Sounds good to me.

She even came home one night from a city council meeting mad and said two of the council people must be political hacks too since they used the meeting and their office to try to score points against some guys who work for the county. They said the county owed them money. Then some old lady who mommy thought was one of their friends on the council said some cities owe some money, too, but the assholes were just worried about the county. Money is money, right?

I did have one little bit of fun. On the way in here last night, we passed by one of those signs for the fat, red-faced mayor guy in the hallway, the one mommy doesn't like. Don't tell anybody, but I tinkled on his sign! It was very unladylike to hike my leg up like that, but I just couldn't help it.

I miss my mommy. Those mutts over there are coughing and puking. They better not give me anything. I'm a pretty girl with a pedigree. This was my first arrest. I sure as hell don't deserve a death sentence because someone doesn't know how to take care of dogs.

What is that guy doing? Are those butcher knives? MOMMY!!!!!

Cowboy pic of the week!

Monday editorial comment

Don't start nothin', won't be nothin' and all that. Bitch is startin' some shit.

insomnia and stupidity

Dear Thesaurus,

I'm trying to use fewer bad words, but after spending some time online tonight, I find commenting on the quality of postings to be near impossible without using the term, "fucking idiots." Please help.

As time allows, please also consider providing me with gentler alternatives for "lying bastards" and "petty partisan pricks."

Another day ending in "y"

Little known fact about Kato: She has actually yelled "fight the power," at two civil rights' demonstrations.

Facebook brilliance

Found this floating around Facebook today and realized it belonged here.

Just thought I'd pass on some totally useless, yet amusing trivia about critters: A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . Wh...at the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts...

 

Crazyfactspreading mission accomplished.

 

Super-short stories series day dos

from katoanon clocking in at five words.

 

The rains came and stayed.

 

Can you believe this shit?!

 

The copying bitch! Damn wanna-be politicians!

 

Click then scroll down for the outrage.

 

A CCC Oldie but Goodie

 

Tip of the hat to the anonymous graphics wiz that provided this and to the woman who likely inspired him to do so.

Click it and make sure your volume is on!

 

Y-ending day editorial comment

 

I'm tired.

 

 

Monday edition. Not feeling the mega

"Never gonna run around and desert you"

No shit, dude. Where are you gonna run around to? Who you gonna run around with? In fact, as I listen to these lyrics again and watch the video, I realize the chick you're singing to probably doesn't even know you think she's your girlfriend. "Never gonna give you up," in hindsight, sounds like a stalker threat. The creepiness has now ruined the coolness of hearing that voice coming out of that dweeb.

Cowboy pic of the week!!!!

Sorry ladies, it's really Cowboy.
To other bloggers, Suck it! It's really Cowboy. Again. AND it's a twofer.

Cowboy performs "Hallelujah!" on RiverStage at Hope Music Festival this weekend.

Super-short story submission of the day

and first of the series clocking it at nine words.

The seat was left up for the last time. - Anonymous

Monday Editorial Comment

As insults go, I've always been partial to, "Needle-Dick the Bug Fucker."



Happy Sunday

Phoning it in

This movie would've been so much better if only it was George Clooney in the wet, clinging, see-through clothes.

However, I've been recently negotiating with someone who stumbled upon this blog and is potentially interested in becoming a fan. Some eye candy for the male set was suggested as a deal sweetener. Please consider the glimpse of dripping siren chicks a good-faith gesture. Have your people call our people. I'm sure we can work something out.

Super-short stories update:

Have had a few submissions. Have written one. Trying to decide whether to mete out one at a time or compile for one post. Leaning toward one a day until supply exhausted. Shouldn't have posted Hemingway's. Hemingway is intimidating.

Moral dilemma of the month

There's a little peckerhead fibbing his scrawny butt off. I won't say he's lying, but he isn't telling the truth either, and he knows it.

Truth wouldn't serve his purposes, and his purposes appear to come first and are way more base purposes than honesty, integrity and all that boring shit.

There is an abundance of proof that said little peckerhead is fibbing. There are also problems with providing that proof. Anyone who provides it would be speaking out of school for which one could get whacked.

Proof would also call attention to something that absolutely should not have more attention drawn to it.

So, Peckerhead gets away with fibbing loudly and repeatedly.

Or does he?

Others know he's fibbing including the peckerhead in his mirror. His stock has dropped dramatically in the eyes of most who have this information.

Maybe, just maybe, that will matter to him, and he'll either stop the fibbing or at least feel like a shit which would be an appropriate consequence. I cannot be optimistic on this point because he has exhibited a willingness to exploit to his advantage other things for which he should feel like a shit.

In the meantime, others have bought the fibs and are gushing with sympathy for the poor peckerhead which is difficult to observe without calling the fibbing peckerhead a fibbing peckerhead and providing proof of his fibbing and peckerheadedness.

Should said peckerhead just be written off completely?

Is it appropriate to hope peckerhead one day gets his ass kicked hard enough when he fibs about or to the wrong person that he sees the error of his ways?

Or should I merely hope that he eventually gets tangled enough in his fibweb that others quit gushing and hold him accountable?

What would Jesus do?

What would Aggy say?

Will I manage to not put my hands around his fibbing peckerheaded geeky little pencil neck upon our next meeting?

Wednesday editorial comment

Please, please, I beg of you, try not to be a douche. Not on a Wednesday.



2sday 2day

2sday tunage

Creative refuge for sale or rent

It appears many of our regular visitors are themselves writers, whether bloggers or just prolific posters on others' forums and blogs. Mr. Coffman, for example, has shown himself to be quite the storyteller.

So, here's an offer for readers to tell their story here, with a catch. This cyber ink is expensive, and keeping up with the receipts for those damn feds is a mondo pain in the ass. Therefore, these must be super short stories.

Hemingway once wrote a six-word story and according to legend claimed it was the best he had ever written.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Hemingways we ain't, but what have you got?

I'll share mine as soon as I write one or twelve. Though it seemed a good idea, I'm experiencing what I hope to be super-short writer's block.

2sday editorial comment

In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.

Monday Mega-Edition Supplemental

This just in!

KatoAnon reporters spotted Grumpy Granny and Prof02 at Jerry's peering at a laptop with satisfied grins and toasting one another with coffee.

A closer look revealed they were looking at Goliath's Colisseum Forum.

"Can you say 'a taste of his own medicine'?" Granny said with a laugh. "'Everybody's a critic,' he says. Ha. Don't I know it?"

"Not as easy as he thinks is it, to try to maintain a level of decency when some want to head for the gutter or bring candidates' kids into things? Imagine if he had over 1000 members he was trying to corral," Prof said.

"He'd be running around like one of his chickens with its head cut off," Granny said.

"Touche," said the Prof.

"Think he'll start cutting us some slack now?" Granny asked.

"Not sure. Let's call one of our members and see what she thinks," said Prof.

"What did she say?" Granny asked when he'd gotten off the phone.

"She said, 'maybe, but you know Goliath can be a hypocritical prick sometimes, so we'll just have to wait and see.'"

Monday Mega-Edition! It's Ba-ack!

How to make a racist's head explode

KatoAnon Exclusive News Report!
Manchurian Candidate infiltrates Jeff municipal elections!
Clarksville Mafia implicated!

Our news desk has received a tip from confidential informant "deep throating deerhunter" reporting city council candidate Kelley Curran is not the Jeffersonville native she claims to be but instead has deep ties and total allegience to a foreign place: Old Clarksville.

Curran's residential history cover story is that Curran was born at Floyd Memorial Hospital and brought home to a house on Mary Street in Jeffersonville. During her childhood, her family moved to Georgetown, In. Then, following her parents' divorce, Curran supposedly spent a few years in Texas to return to her father's home in Old Clarksville as a teenager. Curran's public communication since becoming a candidate claims she moved back to Jeffersonville as a young adult and has chosen to remain here since.

The true story would not have come to light had someone not leaked the truth to deerhunter, the proud owner of a remarkably weak gag reflex, following a blow up which occurred between Curran and the Mike Moore campaign.

In a meeting last week, Curran suggested bringing in someone to help counter Galligan's absentee ballot manipulations efforts, Clarksville political legend Donnie Hansford. The suggestion was dismissed out-of-hand by Team Moore, but Curran persisted.

A few moments later, the team began discussing Galligan's plan to buy Moore's campaign headquarters for an impound lot. Contrary to others assembled, Curran, making her first and totally uninvited appearance at a meeting, claimed it was a wonderful idea and that a tow lot would be a great asset for the city. When questioned, Curran said, "I know just the guy to run it, a gentleman named Kraft" and continued hysterically in this vein.

Those present turned on Curran asking what in the hell had happened to her. One person who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity said, "It's like someone had said a code word, and she just went nuts trying to give city jobs to people from Clarksville."

Our investigation has revealed how this occurred. Curran is a half-breed, and neither half is from Jeffersonville. Her father is from Old Clarksville, and her mother was born in the enemy territory of Kentucky. While visiting comrades in Jeffersonville during Curran's toddler years, her parents slyly took a Christmas photo of a cross-eyed, pigtailed Curran as if it were her toys and her Christmas tree she was reacting to in that Mary St. home while they were actually the toys of another child carefully rewrapped to stage the photo.

Curran waxes poetic about the train, park, creek, old Optimist Club and other features of the small town of Georgetown where she supposedly spent her childhood and claims she soaked in some of those small town, common sense values. She really learned the values from watching Little House on the Prairie and picked out the features from her one and only quick drive down SR 64 during which she was overheard to remark, "get me out of this hick town and back to Old Clarkville where I belong."

Instead of having the diverse geographical experiences of living in Georgetown and then Texas, all along Curran was living in a Clarksville Mafia safe house on Emily Avenue being indoctrinated. Besides watching Little House on the Prairie and Dallas to create her coverstory, she was also subjected to grueling lessons on nepotism and the laundering of car parts.

Though brainwashed as a child and teenager, Curran began remembering some of her past as a young adult, often accidentally slipping into "river-people speak" which makes the Texas twang and midwest drawl sound cosmopolitan in comparison. The particular dialect of river-people speak she was caught using is only spoken one place on earth: Old Clarksville. We are still seeking information on what stimuli activated Curran's manchurian side last week.

What are the implications for Jeffersonville if this foreigner is elected? Will the garbage tippers become a shadow government? Will Jeff be annexed by Clarksville? Will Veteran's Parkway finally take off?

Look for future updates exclusively at The KatoAnon Commentaries.

Cowboy pic of the week!

We miss being actively boycotted.

Monday Editorial Comment

You're not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax.

Happy Sunday

Soupy Saturday

An inspirational interpretation of a classic piece.

I'm in love. Dibs on the one with the plaid hat's cherry!

Investigation update:

Update pending as we await commentary from N.W.A. to help us express our thoughts on this investigation.

 Aggy's Mailbox

Dear Aggy: I work at a counseling office which specializes in treating young people who have gotten into legal trouble or are categorized as at risk. You are my hero. I've completed my masters in social work and hope to be a world famous shrink and author like you some day. One of my pre-teen clients is having trouble resisting an urge to break the law and I'm unsure how to help him.

This young man is very sensitive when it comes to animals and the environment. He literally hugs trees. He names them, too. I don't mean he identifies them like a Boy Scout (actually, given BSA policy on certain things, I don't believe they'd allow this particular young man join), but gives them names like Bob and Fluffy. If he's like this with trees, you can imagine how he feels about puppies.

The small town across the river he lives in has a mayor who, according to this young man, hates trees and is only lukewarm on puppies. The stories he tells of life in his town are enough to keep me awake at night. This mayor is running for re-election and has huge, perhaps over-compensating for something, signs strewn all over town. This sensitive young man feels compelled to remove or deface these signs which I've been counseling him against for weeks. He has so far resisted.

This week, I met a friend for lunch at a restaurant in this boy's town. While there, I learned there are allegations that this mayor's campaign people are taking his opponents' smaller, more tasteful signs. My friend said no one has yet caught the sign thieves in the act, but the fact remains the signs are disappearing and it is obvious who would have the greatest motive to do it.

I'm sure my young client has heard these rumors, and I fear he will be even more tempted to act out. Please help me help him. Thank you, Perplexed in Peoria.

Dear Perplexed: You will learn as you continue your education and career in this field that theories and behavior modification have their limits. Sometimes what your client really needs is practical advice. Your responsibility is not to the civil authorities, but to your client. It is your job to help him live his life fully, be happy and not hurt himself.

I would offer your client the following advice:

Whatever you do, do not get caught. Dark clothing, working only at night and casing the location earlier in the day to locate possible surveillance devices are critical.

If the mayor has a name that can be quickly altered with some spray paint, consider just blacking out or changing a few letters on the signs so the act can be committed quickly and provide comic relief to the town. Laughter can add years to one's life.

Like a little black dress, a red circle with a line through it is always in style.

Recycle and reuse, but I'm sure your sensitive young man can be trusted to do this on his own accord.

If the poor child is caught, he should explain that he is very young and impressionable and was only doing what he thought was accepted by his town as illustrated by the missing signs. If that doesn't work, he should just beg for forgiveness and ask that it be looked at as part of his past he has moved beyond.

For a deeper understanding of this counseling technique, please read my book Being an Asshole Shouldn't Just Be for the Assholes. Tons of luck in your career.

Saturday Editorial Comment

It's not just the bears you have to watch out for. Those barbers can fuck you up pretty good, too.

< insert witty title here > < do it. don't just say, "fuck it" > < fuck it >

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.  -W.Gibson (and endorsed by Aggy)

What?!

Psssst. Over here.

Don't tell anyone you've seen me. Just sneaking in while the feds aren't looking.

Mr. Coffman, please remember that this blog made NO MONEY, therefore you received NO ROYALTIES. None. Capiche?

Cindiloohoo, you were PAID NOTHING for your assist with artwork. NOT A DIME. Understand?

Just had a chance in last few days to get back online and see what is going on. Internet access in Belize isn't all that. Not that I'm in Belize. I'm absolutely NOT IN BELIZE. I am astounded at the discussion that followed one of my lasts posts before that damn investigation was opened. Reading through some of the comments on other sites is like showing up for your own funeral.

Many cases of bad info.

In order to shed some more light on the situation, expect to see more posts here as our hilltop satellite dish here in, uh, not Belize, allows. In particularly, I will recommend rebrowsing through the comments on this site as ones previously not approved will be approved. They're not there yet, and I'm going to have to go. Someone's coming...
Update: additional comments have been approved, but it appears I did delete some of the more interesting ones. Important note: commentors' use of someone else's name in connection to this blog are THEIR WORDS, THEIR ASSUMPTIONS, THEIR RESPONSIBILITY. The disclaimer that no other person or group is in any way associated with or should be presumed to endorse the views expressed here stands.

Miss you.



Wish you were here.



Send money.





Shame there's no cowboys in Belize. Not that I'm in Belize or that this was outside my villa

Important notice

The owner of this blog is currently under investigation by several government and non-government agencies. The large amounts of undocumented money earned from this project has garnered attention from the IRS, FBI, CIA, IRA, WGN, FCC and STP.

Anyone with information about the primary author's whereabouts or identity is asked to call the IRS at 1-800-829-1040. Stay on the line no matter how long they tell you the wait time will be. Tax evasion is a crime. Don't be an aider or abetter by hanging up too soon.

Any further postings on this blog should be reviewed with suspicion as to their source as the primary author has reportedly went underground or perhaps fled the country to enjoy their vast earnings.

happy sunday

Funky

Note from editorial board:

It should never be assumed any group or individual mentioned on this blog, real or imaginary, endorses the views expressed therein. The KatoAnon Commentaries is an independent venture and product not affiliated with any civic, political or social groups. For more details on this disclaimer, please see that at the beginning of all South Park episodes and the fine print in car commercials.
Thank you and good day.

I said good day.

joe friday

Some stuff is always cool

Please note some editing has been done of Tuesday's post. Consider this a good-faith gesture made in the hope some mutual "friends" may be good influences and squash some stuff. Things go well, I'll edit it more.

 Please also note this comes at no small sacrifice from me. There was some funny stuff in there. ACME Tent Laudering Company. Crabs can jump at least fifteen feet. C'mon. It was pretty good. Sick, but good.

Thursday Editorial Comment

Have a seat.

Mea Culpa Wednesday?

Not likely.

And anyway, The Commentaries is at least as classy as Hustler.

"Jerry Falwell Talks about his first time.

FALWELL: My first time was in an outhouse outside Lynchburg, Virginia.

INTERVIEWER: Wasn't it a little cramped?

FALWELL: Not after I kicked the goat out.

INTERVIEWER: I see. You must tell me all about it.

FALWELL: I never really expected to make it with Mom, but then after she showed all the other guys in town such a good time, I figured, 'What the hell?'"

See full ad which was the subject of Hustler Magazine v. Falwell here.

Titilating Tuesday Tear

The boogie is back!

A note from The KatoAnon Editorial Board

The Commentaries newsroom has been abuzz, a hive of activity, crawling with energy. A tip came in. It said this publication's primary author was being once again linked with the author of a very lame blog. The tipster said it had been also alleged our boss had lied about her reasoning for dropping out of Goliath's SurvivorQuest game.

A local "blogger" claims rather than a demanding schedule and a desire to not hold her team back, Kato instead dropped out due to an inability to work as part of a team and some vague nastiness. Unbeknowst to the bosslady, her entire vast media empire sprung into action to defend her good name.

We of the editorial board chose to take the logic offered in this "blogger's" post - the logic of being a bitch and making a retarded allegation with no basis in fact - and extrapolate this to explain this same "blogger's" absence from the LWV meeting Monday night. She said it had something to do with the grandkids, but since we know how many fingers are pointing at one who points at others, we were sure it wasn't the real reason. So we made up a few reasons of our own. They included:

She's a chicken shit. This makes the second event she previously committed to, ran her fat mouth about, knew one or more former targets would be attending, then bailed.

She's gained another hundred pounds and was ashamed, particularly since she had heard someone ekse dropped another size and looks fabulous.

She knew she couldn't act right among civilized people and wisely chose to sit it out.

She has a secret crush on one of the LWV attendees and doesn't trust herself to be around them.

She was at home doing something so gross and perverted our imaginations refused to contemplate the actual scenario.

She was at home treating a raging case of crabs.

Oh, the irony! We thought we were making stuff up!

We have removed the references to WLCC's The Buzz Radio Show which was taped earlier this week in accordance with our attorney's advice. A former contracted reporter is suing us for her husband's death. We have no further comment...at this time.

Tuesday teaser

Were undetected fly reporters present at last night's League of Women Voters meeting?

Were there fireworks among the participants again?

Had anyone lost or gained weight?

Were all heavy hitters present and accounted for?

Does someone need to be called out for implying this blog's primary author bowed out of Goliath's SurvivorQuest for other than the stated reasons?

Will we let our good name again being linked to a Republican just slide?

Does a local blogger have a secret crush on Cindiloohoo?

Answers to those questions and more tonight on The KatoAnon Commentaries.

Monday Mega-Edition! The Mega-est Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The FOR REAL COWBOY PIC OF THE WEEK!!!!!

And that is so not all!!!!


Breaking KatoAnon News Exclusive

Sometime before 4 p.m. today Jeffersonville's Most Famous Resident Cowboy became engaged to one Barbara D. after presenting her a diamond engagement ring at their shared place of employment. They will marry in Warder Park in September.

"I figured it was time. Me and her been going together about eight years," Cowboy said.

The Commentaries would like to congratulate the future Mr. and Mrs. Cowboy on their imminent nuptials and offer our condolences to all those single ladies out there who let another good one get away.

But Wait!!!!


They can mourn in this!!!!!

Artistic credit to Cindiloohoo, special art consultant to The KatoAnon Commentaries

Available ONLY from The KatoAnon Commentaries

It is what it looks like, folks, a Cowboy T-Shirt T-Shirt!


Only $24.99!

Have your candidate's name screenprinted on the back for an additional $5!
 (Not available in Tom Galligan for Mayor)



Monday Editorial Comment

Boycott this.

Technical difficulties have slowed delivery of the today's mega-edition, but stay tuned. It will be the most mega ever.

The blog war will end in victory for The KatoAnon Commentaries tonight!

Happy Sunday!

Saturday Night Party Edition!

Mandatory Mood Music

Seriously mandatory. If you can't muster up enough enthusiasm to click on the video in order to fully appreciate my artistic vision here, please, do us both a favor and just leave.

Dig those phones and high-tech fx.

KatoAnon Exclusive:  The Commentaries' Inaugural Flash-Mob Challenge

The KatoAnon Commentaries' Department of Groovy Thoughts hereby issues the first-ever Commentaries Flash-Mob Challenge.

Inspired by the parade of chicks having fun at the end of the classic "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" music video by fun girl Cindi Lauper, the Commentaries officially challenges ALL Chatter Chicks to make this happen in our time, in our community.

A substantial parade is necessary to have an impact. Therefore, it is imperative that invitations and arm-twisting for participation be extended to all de facto Chatter chicks, that is all female Chatter members, not just the top-secret, underground, invitation-only, elusive and exclusive auxillary of E-vil do-gooders known in legend as the Chatter Chicks.

Do us proud, chicks, and please, please give us exclusive coverage of the event.

Saturday 80's Confession

I've wore my hair like Cindi Lauper's, but could never get the Bonnie Tyler thing quite right.

Saturday Shop Talk by David Hampe
Newly-released analysis shows surprising results.

Our marketing department has recently discovered a positive correlation between the condition of being boycotted for demeaning men and the number of page views. The only normative conclusion we reach based on this new data is that we should demean men more if increased page views is the goal.

We'd like to direct readers' eyes to the right of the page. You may have to scroll to find it, but immediately under its heading, you will find a list of popular posts. They are ranked according to their popularity. Our experts interpret the patter they represent as evidence the "smut sells" trend is holding.

Bless you as you enjoy your Sunday Morning.

 Saturday Editorial Comment

It's too tight. It won't burn.

You're not supposed to be here

Didn't you get the memo? We're being boycotted. Scab.

Breaking: While intense negotiations are ongoing among attorneys representing a local blogger, an alleged male model and our own representative, Betty Ann Ballbreaker, concerning complaints of sexual harassment and breach of contract, we've been advised to offer the following as a good-faith gesture.

Friday Editorial Comment

I totally crack myself up sometimes.