Soupy Saturday

An inspirational interpretation of a classic piece.

I'm in love. Dibs on the one with the plaid hat's cherry!

Investigation update:

Update pending as we await commentary from N.W.A. to help us express our thoughts on this investigation.

 Aggy's Mailbox

Dear Aggy: I work at a counseling office which specializes in treating young people who have gotten into legal trouble or are categorized as at risk. You are my hero. I've completed my masters in social work and hope to be a world famous shrink and author like you some day. One of my pre-teen clients is having trouble resisting an urge to break the law and I'm unsure how to help him.

This young man is very sensitive when it comes to animals and the environment. He literally hugs trees. He names them, too. I don't mean he identifies them like a Boy Scout (actually, given BSA policy on certain things, I don't believe they'd allow this particular young man join), but gives them names like Bob and Fluffy. If he's like this with trees, you can imagine how he feels about puppies.

The small town across the river he lives in has a mayor who, according to this young man, hates trees and is only lukewarm on puppies. The stories he tells of life in his town are enough to keep me awake at night. This mayor is running for re-election and has huge, perhaps over-compensating for something, signs strewn all over town. This sensitive young man feels compelled to remove or deface these signs which I've been counseling him against for weeks. He has so far resisted.

This week, I met a friend for lunch at a restaurant in this boy's town. While there, I learned there are allegations that this mayor's campaign people are taking his opponents' smaller, more tasteful signs. My friend said no one has yet caught the sign thieves in the act, but the fact remains the signs are disappearing and it is obvious who would have the greatest motive to do it.

I'm sure my young client has heard these rumors, and I fear he will be even more tempted to act out. Please help me help him. Thank you, Perplexed in Peoria.

Dear Perplexed: You will learn as you continue your education and career in this field that theories and behavior modification have their limits. Sometimes what your client really needs is practical advice. Your responsibility is not to the civil authorities, but to your client. It is your job to help him live his life fully, be happy and not hurt himself.

I would offer your client the following advice:

Whatever you do, do not get caught. Dark clothing, working only at night and casing the location earlier in the day to locate possible surveillance devices are critical.

If the mayor has a name that can be quickly altered with some spray paint, consider just blacking out or changing a few letters on the signs so the act can be committed quickly and provide comic relief to the town. Laughter can add years to one's life.

Like a little black dress, a red circle with a line through it is always in style.

Recycle and reuse, but I'm sure your sensitive young man can be trusted to do this on his own accord.

If the poor child is caught, he should explain that he is very young and impressionable and was only doing what he thought was accepted by his town as illustrated by the missing signs. If that doesn't work, he should just beg for forgiveness and ask that it be looked at as part of his past he has moved beyond.

For a deeper understanding of this counseling technique, please read my book Being an Asshole Shouldn't Just Be for the Assholes. Tons of luck in your career.

Saturday Editorial Comment

It's not just the bears you have to watch out for. Those barbers can fuck you up pretty good, too.