Monday Mega-Edition! It's Ba-ack!

How to make a racist's head explode

KatoAnon Exclusive News Report!
Manchurian Candidate infiltrates Jeff municipal elections!
Clarksville Mafia implicated!

Our news desk has received a tip from confidential informant "deep throating deerhunter" reporting city council candidate Kelley Curran is not the Jeffersonville native she claims to be but instead has deep ties and total allegience to a foreign place: Old Clarksville.

Curran's residential history cover story is that Curran was born at Floyd Memorial Hospital and brought home to a house on Mary Street in Jeffersonville. During her childhood, her family moved to Georgetown, In. Then, following her parents' divorce, Curran supposedly spent a few years in Texas to return to her father's home in Old Clarksville as a teenager. Curran's public communication since becoming a candidate claims she moved back to Jeffersonville as a young adult and has chosen to remain here since.

The true story would not have come to light had someone not leaked the truth to deerhunter, the proud owner of a remarkably weak gag reflex, following a blow up which occurred between Curran and the Mike Moore campaign.

In a meeting last week, Curran suggested bringing in someone to help counter Galligan's absentee ballot manipulations efforts, Clarksville political legend Donnie Hansford. The suggestion was dismissed out-of-hand by Team Moore, but Curran persisted.

A few moments later, the team began discussing Galligan's plan to buy Moore's campaign headquarters for an impound lot. Contrary to others assembled, Curran, making her first and totally uninvited appearance at a meeting, claimed it was a wonderful idea and that a tow lot would be a great asset for the city. When questioned, Curran said, "I know just the guy to run it, a gentleman named Kraft" and continued hysterically in this vein.

Those present turned on Curran asking what in the hell had happened to her. One person who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity said, "It's like someone had said a code word, and she just went nuts trying to give city jobs to people from Clarksville."

Our investigation has revealed how this occurred. Curran is a half-breed, and neither half is from Jeffersonville. Her father is from Old Clarksville, and her mother was born in the enemy territory of Kentucky. While visiting comrades in Jeffersonville during Curran's toddler years, her parents slyly took a Christmas photo of a cross-eyed, pigtailed Curran as if it were her toys and her Christmas tree she was reacting to in that Mary St. home while they were actually the toys of another child carefully rewrapped to stage the photo.

Curran waxes poetic about the train, park, creek, old Optimist Club and other features of the small town of Georgetown where she supposedly spent her childhood and claims she soaked in some of those small town, common sense values. She really learned the values from watching Little House on the Prairie and picked out the features from her one and only quick drive down SR 64 during which she was overheard to remark, "get me out of this hick town and back to Old Clarkville where I belong."

Instead of having the diverse geographical experiences of living in Georgetown and then Texas, all along Curran was living in a Clarksville Mafia safe house on Emily Avenue being indoctrinated. Besides watching Little House on the Prairie and Dallas to create her coverstory, she was also subjected to grueling lessons on nepotism and the laundering of car parts.

Though brainwashed as a child and teenager, Curran began remembering some of her past as a young adult, often accidentally slipping into "river-people speak" which makes the Texas twang and midwest drawl sound cosmopolitan in comparison. The particular dialect of river-people speak she was caught using is only spoken one place on earth: Old Clarksville. We are still seeking information on what stimuli activated Curran's manchurian side last week.

What are the implications for Jeffersonville if this foreigner is elected? Will the garbage tippers become a shadow government? Will Jeff be annexed by Clarksville? Will Veteran's Parkway finally take off?

Look for future updates exclusively at The KatoAnon Commentaries.

Cowboy pic of the week!

We miss being actively boycotted.

Monday Editorial Comment

You're not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax.