insomnia and stupidity

Dear Thesaurus,

I'm trying to use fewer bad words, but after spending some time online tonight, I find commenting on the quality of postings to be near impossible without using the term, "fucking idiots." Please help.

As time allows, please also consider providing me with gentler alternatives for "lying bastards" and "petty partisan pricks."

Another day ending in "y"

Little known fact about Kato: She has actually yelled "fight the power," at two civil rights' demonstrations.

Facebook brilliance

Found this floating around Facebook today and realized it belonged here.

Just thought I'd pass on some totally useless, yet amusing trivia about critters: A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . Wh...at the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts...

 

Crazyfactspreading mission accomplished.

 

Super-short stories series day dos

from katoanon clocking in at five words.

 

The rains came and stayed.

 

Can you believe this shit?!

 

The copying bitch! Damn wanna-be politicians!

 

Click then scroll down for the outrage.

 

A CCC Oldie but Goodie

 

Tip of the hat to the anonymous graphics wiz that provided this and to the woman who likely inspired him to do so.

Click it and make sure your volume is on!

 

Y-ending day editorial comment

 

I'm tired.

 

 

Monday edition. Not feeling the mega

"Never gonna run around and desert you"

No shit, dude. Where are you gonna run around to? Who you gonna run around with? In fact, as I listen to these lyrics again and watch the video, I realize the chick you're singing to probably doesn't even know you think she's your girlfriend. "Never gonna give you up," in hindsight, sounds like a stalker threat. The creepiness has now ruined the coolness of hearing that voice coming out of that dweeb.

Cowboy pic of the week!!!!

Sorry ladies, it's really Cowboy.
To other bloggers, Suck it! It's really Cowboy. Again. AND it's a twofer.

Cowboy performs "Hallelujah!" on RiverStage at Hope Music Festival this weekend.

Super-short story submission of the day

and first of the series clocking it at nine words.

The seat was left up for the last time. - Anonymous

Monday Editorial Comment

As insults go, I've always been partial to, "Needle-Dick the Bug Fucker."



Happy Sunday

Phoning it in

This movie would've been so much better if only it was George Clooney in the wet, clinging, see-through clothes.

However, I've been recently negotiating with someone who stumbled upon this blog and is potentially interested in becoming a fan. Some eye candy for the male set was suggested as a deal sweetener. Please consider the glimpse of dripping siren chicks a good-faith gesture. Have your people call our people. I'm sure we can work something out.

Super-short stories update:

Have had a few submissions. Have written one. Trying to decide whether to mete out one at a time or compile for one post. Leaning toward one a day until supply exhausted. Shouldn't have posted Hemingway's. Hemingway is intimidating.

Moral dilemma of the month

There's a little peckerhead fibbing his scrawny butt off. I won't say he's lying, but he isn't telling the truth either, and he knows it.

Truth wouldn't serve his purposes, and his purposes appear to come first and are way more base purposes than honesty, integrity and all that boring shit.

There is an abundance of proof that said little peckerhead is fibbing. There are also problems with providing that proof. Anyone who provides it would be speaking out of school for which one could get whacked.

Proof would also call attention to something that absolutely should not have more attention drawn to it.

So, Peckerhead gets away with fibbing loudly and repeatedly.

Or does he?

Others know he's fibbing including the peckerhead in his mirror. His stock has dropped dramatically in the eyes of most who have this information.

Maybe, just maybe, that will matter to him, and he'll either stop the fibbing or at least feel like a shit which would be an appropriate consequence. I cannot be optimistic on this point because he has exhibited a willingness to exploit to his advantage other things for which he should feel like a shit.

In the meantime, others have bought the fibs and are gushing with sympathy for the poor peckerhead which is difficult to observe without calling the fibbing peckerhead a fibbing peckerhead and providing proof of his fibbing and peckerheadedness.

Should said peckerhead just be written off completely?

Is it appropriate to hope peckerhead one day gets his ass kicked hard enough when he fibs about or to the wrong person that he sees the error of his ways?

Or should I merely hope that he eventually gets tangled enough in his fibweb that others quit gushing and hold him accountable?

What would Jesus do?

What would Aggy say?

Will I manage to not put my hands around his fibbing peckerheaded geeky little pencil neck upon our next meeting?

Wednesday editorial comment

Please, please, I beg of you, try not to be a douche. Not on a Wednesday.



2sday 2day

2sday tunage

Creative refuge for sale or rent

It appears many of our regular visitors are themselves writers, whether bloggers or just prolific posters on others' forums and blogs. Mr. Coffman, for example, has shown himself to be quite the storyteller.

So, here's an offer for readers to tell their story here, with a catch. This cyber ink is expensive, and keeping up with the receipts for those damn feds is a mondo pain in the ass. Therefore, these must be super short stories.

Hemingway once wrote a six-word story and according to legend claimed it was the best he had ever written.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Hemingways we ain't, but what have you got?

I'll share mine as soon as I write one or twelve. Though it seemed a good idea, I'm experiencing what I hope to be super-short writer's block.

2sday editorial comment

In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.

Monday Mega-Edition Supplemental

This just in!

KatoAnon reporters spotted Grumpy Granny and Prof02 at Jerry's peering at a laptop with satisfied grins and toasting one another with coffee.

A closer look revealed they were looking at Goliath's Colisseum Forum.

"Can you say 'a taste of his own medicine'?" Granny said with a laugh. "'Everybody's a critic,' he says. Ha. Don't I know it?"

"Not as easy as he thinks is it, to try to maintain a level of decency when some want to head for the gutter or bring candidates' kids into things? Imagine if he had over 1000 members he was trying to corral," Prof said.

"He'd be running around like one of his chickens with its head cut off," Granny said.

"Touche," said the Prof.

"Think he'll start cutting us some slack now?" Granny asked.

"Not sure. Let's call one of our members and see what she thinks," said Prof.

"What did she say?" Granny asked when he'd gotten off the phone.

"She said, 'maybe, but you know Goliath can be a hypocritical prick sometimes, so we'll just have to wait and see.'"

Monday Mega-Edition! It's Ba-ack!

How to make a racist's head explode

KatoAnon Exclusive News Report!
Manchurian Candidate infiltrates Jeff municipal elections!
Clarksville Mafia implicated!

Our news desk has received a tip from confidential informant "deep throating deerhunter" reporting city council candidate Kelley Curran is not the Jeffersonville native she claims to be but instead has deep ties and total allegience to a foreign place: Old Clarksville.

Curran's residential history cover story is that Curran was born at Floyd Memorial Hospital and brought home to a house on Mary Street in Jeffersonville. During her childhood, her family moved to Georgetown, In. Then, following her parents' divorce, Curran supposedly spent a few years in Texas to return to her father's home in Old Clarksville as a teenager. Curran's public communication since becoming a candidate claims she moved back to Jeffersonville as a young adult and has chosen to remain here since.

The true story would not have come to light had someone not leaked the truth to deerhunter, the proud owner of a remarkably weak gag reflex, following a blow up which occurred between Curran and the Mike Moore campaign.

In a meeting last week, Curran suggested bringing in someone to help counter Galligan's absentee ballot manipulations efforts, Clarksville political legend Donnie Hansford. The suggestion was dismissed out-of-hand by Team Moore, but Curran persisted.

A few moments later, the team began discussing Galligan's plan to buy Moore's campaign headquarters for an impound lot. Contrary to others assembled, Curran, making her first and totally uninvited appearance at a meeting, claimed it was a wonderful idea and that a tow lot would be a great asset for the city. When questioned, Curran said, "I know just the guy to run it, a gentleman named Kraft" and continued hysterically in this vein.

Those present turned on Curran asking what in the hell had happened to her. One person who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity said, "It's like someone had said a code word, and she just went nuts trying to give city jobs to people from Clarksville."

Our investigation has revealed how this occurred. Curran is a half-breed, and neither half is from Jeffersonville. Her father is from Old Clarksville, and her mother was born in the enemy territory of Kentucky. While visiting comrades in Jeffersonville during Curran's toddler years, her parents slyly took a Christmas photo of a cross-eyed, pigtailed Curran as if it were her toys and her Christmas tree she was reacting to in that Mary St. home while they were actually the toys of another child carefully rewrapped to stage the photo.

Curran waxes poetic about the train, park, creek, old Optimist Club and other features of the small town of Georgetown where she supposedly spent her childhood and claims she soaked in some of those small town, common sense values. She really learned the values from watching Little House on the Prairie and picked out the features from her one and only quick drive down SR 64 during which she was overheard to remark, "get me out of this hick town and back to Old Clarkville where I belong."

Instead of having the diverse geographical experiences of living in Georgetown and then Texas, all along Curran was living in a Clarksville Mafia safe house on Emily Avenue being indoctrinated. Besides watching Little House on the Prairie and Dallas to create her coverstory, she was also subjected to grueling lessons on nepotism and the laundering of car parts.

Though brainwashed as a child and teenager, Curran began remembering some of her past as a young adult, often accidentally slipping into "river-people speak" which makes the Texas twang and midwest drawl sound cosmopolitan in comparison. The particular dialect of river-people speak she was caught using is only spoken one place on earth: Old Clarksville. We are still seeking information on what stimuli activated Curran's manchurian side last week.

What are the implications for Jeffersonville if this foreigner is elected? Will the garbage tippers become a shadow government? Will Jeff be annexed by Clarksville? Will Veteran's Parkway finally take off?

Look for future updates exclusively at The KatoAnon Commentaries.

Cowboy pic of the week!

We miss being actively boycotted.

Monday Editorial Comment

You're not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax.

Happy Sunday

Soupy Saturday

An inspirational interpretation of a classic piece.

I'm in love. Dibs on the one with the plaid hat's cherry!

Investigation update:

Update pending as we await commentary from N.W.A. to help us express our thoughts on this investigation.

 Aggy's Mailbox

Dear Aggy: I work at a counseling office which specializes in treating young people who have gotten into legal trouble or are categorized as at risk. You are my hero. I've completed my masters in social work and hope to be a world famous shrink and author like you some day. One of my pre-teen clients is having trouble resisting an urge to break the law and I'm unsure how to help him.

This young man is very sensitive when it comes to animals and the environment. He literally hugs trees. He names them, too. I don't mean he identifies them like a Boy Scout (actually, given BSA policy on certain things, I don't believe they'd allow this particular young man join), but gives them names like Bob and Fluffy. If he's like this with trees, you can imagine how he feels about puppies.

The small town across the river he lives in has a mayor who, according to this young man, hates trees and is only lukewarm on puppies. The stories he tells of life in his town are enough to keep me awake at night. This mayor is running for re-election and has huge, perhaps over-compensating for something, signs strewn all over town. This sensitive young man feels compelled to remove or deface these signs which I've been counseling him against for weeks. He has so far resisted.

This week, I met a friend for lunch at a restaurant in this boy's town. While there, I learned there are allegations that this mayor's campaign people are taking his opponents' smaller, more tasteful signs. My friend said no one has yet caught the sign thieves in the act, but the fact remains the signs are disappearing and it is obvious who would have the greatest motive to do it.

I'm sure my young client has heard these rumors, and I fear he will be even more tempted to act out. Please help me help him. Thank you, Perplexed in Peoria.

Dear Perplexed: You will learn as you continue your education and career in this field that theories and behavior modification have their limits. Sometimes what your client really needs is practical advice. Your responsibility is not to the civil authorities, but to your client. It is your job to help him live his life fully, be happy and not hurt himself.

I would offer your client the following advice:

Whatever you do, do not get caught. Dark clothing, working only at night and casing the location earlier in the day to locate possible surveillance devices are critical.

If the mayor has a name that can be quickly altered with some spray paint, consider just blacking out or changing a few letters on the signs so the act can be committed quickly and provide comic relief to the town. Laughter can add years to one's life.

Like a little black dress, a red circle with a line through it is always in style.

Recycle and reuse, but I'm sure your sensitive young man can be trusted to do this on his own accord.

If the poor child is caught, he should explain that he is very young and impressionable and was only doing what he thought was accepted by his town as illustrated by the missing signs. If that doesn't work, he should just beg for forgiveness and ask that it be looked at as part of his past he has moved beyond.

For a deeper understanding of this counseling technique, please read my book Being an Asshole Shouldn't Just Be for the Assholes. Tons of luck in your career.

Saturday Editorial Comment

It's not just the bears you have to watch out for. Those barbers can fuck you up pretty good, too.

< insert witty title here > < do it. don't just say, "fuck it" > < fuck it >

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.  -W.Gibson (and endorsed by Aggy)

What?!

Psssst. Over here.

Don't tell anyone you've seen me. Just sneaking in while the feds aren't looking.

Mr. Coffman, please remember that this blog made NO MONEY, therefore you received NO ROYALTIES. None. Capiche?

Cindiloohoo, you were PAID NOTHING for your assist with artwork. NOT A DIME. Understand?

Just had a chance in last few days to get back online and see what is going on. Internet access in Belize isn't all that. Not that I'm in Belize. I'm absolutely NOT IN BELIZE. I am astounded at the discussion that followed one of my lasts posts before that damn investigation was opened. Reading through some of the comments on other sites is like showing up for your own funeral.

Many cases of bad info.

In order to shed some more light on the situation, expect to see more posts here as our hilltop satellite dish here in, uh, not Belize, allows. In particularly, I will recommend rebrowsing through the comments on this site as ones previously not approved will be approved. They're not there yet, and I'm going to have to go. Someone's coming...
Update: additional comments have been approved, but it appears I did delete some of the more interesting ones. Important note: commentors' use of someone else's name in connection to this blog are THEIR WORDS, THEIR ASSUMPTIONS, THEIR RESPONSIBILITY. The disclaimer that no other person or group is in any way associated with or should be presumed to endorse the views expressed here stands.

Miss you.



Wish you were here.



Send money.





Shame there's no cowboys in Belize. Not that I'm in Belize or that this was outside my villa

Important notice

The owner of this blog is currently under investigation by several government and non-government agencies. The large amounts of undocumented money earned from this project has garnered attention from the IRS, FBI, CIA, IRA, WGN, FCC and STP.

Anyone with information about the primary author's whereabouts or identity is asked to call the IRS at 1-800-829-1040. Stay on the line no matter how long they tell you the wait time will be. Tax evasion is a crime. Don't be an aider or abetter by hanging up too soon.

Any further postings on this blog should be reviewed with suspicion as to their source as the primary author has reportedly went underground or perhaps fled the country to enjoy their vast earnings.